Custom oracles.

D100	Sexuality
1-95	Same as sex
96-100	Roll next

D100	Sexuality
1-90	Male / Female
91-95	Non-binary
96-100	Gender fluid

D100	Sexuality
1-95	Heterosexual
96-100	Roll next

d100	sexuality
1-60	Homosexual
60-90	Bisexual
91-95	Asexual
96-100	Pansexual

d20	You Wake Up…
1	In a pigsty, spooning an enormous hog. Someone has painted “MOTHER” across your forehead.
2	In a noblewoman’s bed, completely naked. She’s gone, and her husband is pounding on the bedroom door.
3	Inside a coffin, halfway through your own funeral. The priest looks genuinely disappointed when you sit up.
4	On the tavern roof, wearing nothing but someone else’s trousers. A crowd below is taking bets on how you’ll get down.
5	In a jail cell, sharing a bench with three criminals who insist you’re their new gang leader.
6	At the altar of a temple, wearing a wedding ring. Your new spouse is a heavily tattooed orc named Buttercup.
7	In a barn, surrounded by twelve chickens, a stolen horse, and a suspiciously large pile of jade.
8	Under a bridge, cuddled up to a troll who claims you promised to meet their parents.
9	In the mayor’s office, sitting behind the desk. Everyone addresses you as “Your Lordship.”
10	In a brothel, where the staff applaud as you stumble downstairs. Apparently, you’re banned from ever performing again.
11	On a moving merchant wagon, bound for a city three days away. The driver insists you paid him handsomely to kidnap you.
12	In a graveyard, covered in dirt and clutching a shovel. A freshly dug grave has your name on it.
13	In a stranger’s kitchen, cooking breakfast for six children who all call you Papa.
14	In the town stocks, wearing a dress and a sign reading “I FUCKED THE DUKE’S HORSE.” You have no recollection of any horse.
15	In a wizard’s tower, sporting a magnificent new beard. Unfortunately, it appears to be sentient.
16	Aboard a pirate ship, already out at sea. You’re apparently the captain, and the crew is demanding orders.
17	Inside a barrel of pickles, wearing an expensive necklace that definitely isn’t yours.
18	In a monastery, surrounded by monks silently judging you. You’ve apparently taken a sacred vow of silence.
19	In the middle of a goblin encampment, seated on a throne made of bones. The goblins worship you as their prophesied arse-god.
20	Back in the tavern, perfectly comfortable in your own bed. Everything seems normal, except everyone in town screams and runs away when they see you.

Optional rule — The Missing Hours: Whenever you roll a weak hit while investigating what happened, reveal one embarrassing detail about the previous night. On a miss, someone from that night arrives demanding payment, revenge, or affection.

Two suspiciously cheerful missionaries stand beside the road, dressed in filthy white robes. Their smiles are too wide, their eyes a little too moist, and they’re absolutely delighted to share the divine wisdom of the Moonthings.

Roll 1d20 to discover what these lunatic bastards want you to do in the name of their celestial overlords.

d20	The Moonthings Demand…
1	The Holy Brown Offering. Shit into a ceremonial bowl while maintaining eye contact with both missionaries. Breaking eye contact invalidates the offering.
2	The Sacred Snog. French-kiss the nearest farm animal. Tongue is mandatory. The missionaries will judge your enthusiasm.
3	The Cleansing of the Sins. Strip naked and allow the missionaries to scrub your body with a dead fish while chanting, “SLIPPERY BE THY SALVATION!”
4	The Third Testicle. Purchase a mysterious, hairy object in a jar for 20j. Sew it into your trousers and never speak of it again.
5	The Pilgrimage of Shame. Walk backward to the next settlement while loudly confessing sexual sins you haven’t actually committed.
6	The Blessed Foreskin. Donate a small piece of flesh to the missionaries’ collection of sacred relics. They’re disturbingly vague about where it must come from.
7	The Worm Communion. Swallow three live worms and allow the fourth to crawl into your ear. “That one’s the prophet,” they explain.
8	The Moon’s Bottom. Bend over and expose your arse to the heavens while the missionaries paint a crude face on each cheek.
9	The Sacred Union. Marry a particularly ugly turnip. You must carry your new spouse for seven days and consummate the marriage symbolically with a vigorous rubbing.
10	The Vessel of Divine Seed. Carry a warm, suspiciously sticky jar to the next town. You are forbidden from opening it, shaking it, or asking whose it is.
11	The Great Unburdening. Publicly accuse yourself of a heinous crime you’ve never committed. The missionaries promise the Moonthings will protect you from prosecution. Probably.
12	The Anointment of the Chosen. Allow both missionaries to spit into your mouth simultaneously. Swallowing is considered an act of profound faith.
13	The Celestial Cockfight. Challenge a rooster to single combat. You must fight naked, unarmed, and without assistance. The rooster gets a knife.
14	The Tithe of Teeth. Surrender one tooth to the missionaries. They insist it must be freshly removed and refuse to explain why their collection already contains hundreds.
15	The Sacred Arse Trumpet. Insert a wooden whistle between your buttocks and perform the Hymn of the Seven Moonthings without using your mouth.
16	The Trial of Temptation. Spend an entire night alone in a locked barn with a seductive scarecrow. You must resist its advances. The missionaries refuse to explain how it advances.
17	The Baptism of Regret. Submerge your head in a barrel containing equal parts ale, piss, and something that appears to be moving. Remain submerged until you hear the Moonthings whisper.
18	The Divine Impregnation. Swallow a glowing egg and promise not to shit for three days. The missionaries insist something beautiful will hatch.
19	The Sacred Exchange. Trade your most valuable possession for a bag of teeth, a handwritten prophecy, and a solemn promise that you’ll understand when the second moon bleeds.
20	The Final Revelation. The missionaries drop their trousers, bend over, and reveal identical faces growing between their arse cheeks. Both faces whisper your full name. Then the missionaries ask if you’d like to join them.